L.I.E. #119: Short Reviews, Fat Reviewer (the movies of November 2014)

Putting weight on—after spending such effort to lose it! Damn that sweet tooth!

Been really slacking off lately—and I know why: bad habits. Thought I had ’em licked.

Well, gotta get my nose to the grindstone, yessir!

No more sugar! No more wheat! No dairy! Starve!

The Bonkers Eclecticism of October—in late-November….

Y’know, originally, I was going to be posting this on November 1 or 2—not almost at the end of the month!

Here are some photos from my cell phone as illustrations (electronic desk-clearing as it were…)

I call the above piece, “Flame Monster Scorched Floor Policy; or, Terminate With Extreme Hydrocarbonizing.”

The Rest of September’s Movies

[For no reason other than that I think it is beautiful, I am posting a recent cover of The New Yorker above. I don’t know who the artist is; I think I’ve seen and liked their work before. I really appreciate how this mystery illustrator captures and slightly caricaturizes the female form. Also, the women they draw always have a chic style and sturdy confidence. Call me a weirdo, but I’d like to think that these ladies could carry on a good conversation, too. These are smart chicks, dude, and they’re not afraid to show it!]

LEGALIZE COSPLAY NOW!!! (a spoof)

On the Legalization of Cosplay in the United States and How That Would Positively Impact Crime Rates in North America

INTRODUCTION

The legalization of cosplay would reduce crime by smashing an existing status quo where billions of taxpayer dollars are spent and thousands of lives ruined in the pursuit of an unobtainable objective.

Government resources that could be better utilized elsewhere—including our nation’s local police departments—are misspent trying to control and/or eradicate an activity the majority of Americans want legalized: In October 2013, for the first time since Gallup began asking the question in 1969, more Americans (58% of those polled) favored legalization of cosplay.

L.I.E. #115: LIBRARY ROULETTE! And What’s Been Seen So Far In September!

Let’s talk about LIBRARY ROULETTE!

Many of the movies (that is, DVDs) I watch are via the blessed New York Public Library (NYPL), but not so much from me wandering the stacks hoping to find what I want—to heck with that! I’m a (self)important man; I have things to do, places to be!

Besides the Hamilton Grange branch of the NYPL, on 145^th Street—as awesome as it is—doesn’t always have what I want.

But you can go to the NYPL’s website, and after you register, you can place holds on DVDs—which is what I do!

Perhaps the Ancient Astronauts Are NOT Our Friends…

They always land in the desert. Maybe they like the heat...

You’ve heard about it, and probably scoffed—

In a (ahem) nut-shell,

Ancient Astronaut Theory is the idea that “Space Gods” came to Earth, worked some of their tech-so-advanced-it-looks-like-magic on some apes, jumpstarting their DNA towards the big-brained critters that we are today.

This is a Venusian from an episode of
"The Outer Limits."
Venus has sulfuric acid rain and is
hot enough on the surface to melt
lead. What our planet will be one day.

The believers, like Erich von Däniken, the author of Chariots of the Gods? (don’t forget the question mark!), add on that these hyper-intelligent, galaxy-crossing beings used to return every now and then, and check up on us—helping the Egyptians build the pyramids, the Incas with their Nazca Lines landing strips and showing the Mayans how to invent TV.

I won’t go into that stuff too much, because many others have covered it better, but I am looking at this in a way I don’t think others have.

Please read on…

The Return of the Reviews! The Films (& Books) of June & August

So, what the heck have I been up to?

Six months of intense and hellish training to be a prison guard to the young folks, that’s what: I was in the bowels of the edjoomakashun system, lorded over by a series of Dolores Umbridges—which thankfully in the long run, I was rejected for—

“Let’s use brutal, militaristic techniques to keep the young’uns in line, to make them good little worker bees—oh, there’s no jobs and poverty creates a toxic stress environment as well as cycle of defeat? Not to mention the learned helplessness where folks say, ‘Why bother to try and improve when the dice are loaded, the cards marked and the game is rigged right from the start?’ Well that’s not our problem….”

Basically it was like dealing with the students of Mao’s Cultural Revolution: Obey or die!

Listen up boy, you gotta get your mind RIGHT. 

Here’s the thing: these Umbridges claim to “love the children,” but I believe they only do so in the most abstract way….

But I’ve burned enough bridges already…

One day I will go into further detail—but today is not that day—today is September 1, and it’s the start of the final quarter of 2014, and it’s a new page in my life.

Getting my ducks in a row, looking forward, and NEVER giving up. The only way you’re going to stop me is by chopping off my head—and then you better watch out: the Gypsy said if that happens, my right hand with come after you…and avenge me.

Now, onto the movie reviews! (Most of which will be very short; I just wanna get this one out of the way—break the silence, and get back on track…)

But I'm Not Dead Yet...

Nope, not dead. Just verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry busy. 
Updates soon. 
Enjoy some Funkadelic. 
Don't the Stooges look awesome? 

Finally in June, We Get April & May…

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I haven’t posted in a long time. I get it.

Well, read on, MacDuff, and find out more!

2014’s (much delayed) March Movie Madness—With “The Monster Times” as a Visual Montage!

This has been the most wonderfully KEE-RAY-ZEE month of my life, and lemme tell ya: I’ve never been happier.

I apologize for my lack of posts, and for using this as an excuse to brush up on my typing skills.

You see, I’m taking a big certification test tomorrow and as it turns out, there will be no “writing in the blue books”—hasn’t been any in yonks, it seems—the testing is all computerized now.

Meaning I have to be able to type in my thoughts toot damn sweet tomorrow.

Oh, did I mention my test is tomorrow?

Sorry, I've Been Busy....

Stuff is on the horizon, but man, I have been BIZZZZZZZZZZZZEEEEEE!

LIE #108: Signs & Wonders Abounded in February, and Most Weren’t Even Cinematic Ones!

Lemme tell ya, February was a HARSH month here in The Big Apple:

This winter was CRUEL—and it smells like it might just return one last time—and then there were all my personal hassles—which I have been hinting at somewhat during my infrequent posts over the last 18 months….

But Big Bad Febz was also an incredibly busy month for me: Got 47 day’s worth of work accomplished in 28! I worked in a smelly warehouse, visited the Toy Fair, did this, did that, did the other thing, did the right thing, and even more importantly:

I have been, after much stress and worry, accepted into the NYC Teaching Fellows program, and within less than a month, I will be in an inner city high school, first assisting a teacher, then taking over a class myself!

Whoa!

I am SO excited and nervous!

Suffice to say, some changes may be on the horizon, but as of yet, what those changes could be are as yet, unknown.

But hopefully I won’t lapse back into the poor publishing schedule which plagued me recently…

Nuking Oz at Midnight: “Smoke ’Em If You Got ’Em” & Other Sick Humor Visions of the Apocalypse in Australia!

From On the Beach to The Road Warrior to Tomorrow, When the War Began, Australia has figured prominently in cinematic depictions of the events surrounding total war, including the use of thermonuclear weapons.

So what’s that all about then, eh, mate?

Last Rondo to Brooklyn

 

The title of today’s post is a “There goes Ivan spraining his arm while patting himself on the back” pun.

You see, Rondo Hatton (more about him in a moment; although if you’re a cinephile of any sort, and you don’t recognize him, you are the ultimate loser and should never speak to me again) will be making an appearance in Brooklyn.

Or at least, he will if I have any say in the matter…

LIE #105: Back in the Saddle, Toot Sweet! (And the Films of January 2014) (& RIP PSH)

No way am I gonna let myself get behind schedule like I did last time; nuh-uh! No way, José.

That said, it sucks that Philip Seymour Hoffman had to go and OD. The tentacles of the Mind Parasites can confound and depress even the most successful of us…

I enjoyed PSH in everything I’ve seen him in, especially when the rest of the movie stunk.

And he was someone who could’ve had a LONG career: Not being a “pretty boy,” PSH had a wider range of character choices and possibilities. Growing older, he could’ve been a contemporary Charles Laughton or Edmund O’Brien.

The thing to do is appreciate what PSH did give us, hope that his explorations of a new dimension are successful, and pray that no one decides “Since PSH did dope, so should I.”

Like MacArthur, Odyseuss* and the Local Fish Graffiti, I Have Returned!

See that fish up there? He’s a piece of graffiti in my neighborhood, and whenever he’s painted over, he appears again in a few days. That fish rules, and is an inspiration.

Go, Fish! GO!

Wow! The time I have been taking between posts is inexcusable!

I do apologize, but lack of writing for LERNER INTERNATIONAL certainly doesn’t mean that I haven’t been busy.

Oh lordy, have I been busy!

[* = Odyseuss? He’s the guy who wrote Green Eggs and Circe’s Curse and The Scylla & Charyrbdis in the Hat, remember?]